(Kimberly (she/her) took the express train down the fountain pen/stationery rabbit hole and doesn't want to be rescued. She can be found on Instagram @allthehobbies because there really are many, many hobbies!.)
(Content warning: Memory loss, dementia.)
When things get rough and I’m having a tough time processing what life is throwing at me, I often retreat to my desk and plunge myself into pens, writing, swatching, etc. It wasn’t intentional, but I actually wrote about taking solace in pens one year ago this week. This year, the trigger was seeing family this past weekend and finding out how badly some of their memory skills had deteriorated since I last saw them.
In the past year, my older sister was diagnosed with early-onset dementia. She struggles to get through the day because she is constantly forgetting things. She still knows people and has memories from the past but her short-term memory isn’t really there. Cooking is now a danger because she would step away and forget that she was cooking and just leave the stove on. She has to write everything down, but (1) often forgets what she’s trying to say while she’s still writing, (2) she doesn’t remember where she puts her notebook, and (3) then forgets to check it regularly.
And then there’s my mom who is in her mid-80s so memory loss is somewhat expected, though I know folks who were well into their 90s and still sharp as a tack. During the 45 minute drive to my niece’s wedding, every few minutes my mom asked me about a dozen times how many kids I have, what grade he’s in, and whether he’s in high school. And even though we kept telling her, she wasn’t able to remember that she was going to my niece’s wedding and that we would be staying at the hotel. Because of this faulty memory, she kept “escaping” to find a way home because she didn’t know where she was. In fact, she actually left her room when everyone was still asleep and was missing for a while (thankfully, we found her in the lobby where she was hoping she could ask someone she recognized to take her home).
Why am I telling you all this?
Because this whole experience has really shaken me to my core. It is a glimpse into my potential future. Will I also suffer such significant memory loss? Will my family have to deal with the repetitious questions from me? And yes, I even wonder if I will remember what my favorite pens are. Honestly, I don’t know. But a quick Google search brings up articles and studies that show the positive effects that writing things down has on memory and brain function, and that gives me a glimmer of hope.
This time, it’s more than just taking comfort in my pens. I feel a sense of urgency, a bit of desperation but also renewed energy to write more. Things I want to remember about the mundane and exciting things in life, about baseball games, travel, food and yes, pens too. New Italian words and grammar concepts (while shaking a fist at past imperfect tense!) or places I want to visit. Favorite song lyrics, transcribing books, quotes, letters to pen pals - there’s never a shortage of things to write.
